Ward's Laws Read online

Yeller.

  Ward's Laws #202 Do people in India call America for customer support?

  Ward's Laws #203 I can't watch the older groups in concert anymore. They look like my dad rocking out. Ruins the whole bad boy mystique when you see some bald guy with a big paunch singing about how bad he is. You want to say, “Hey dreamer, they want you back at the accounting firm.

  Ward's Laws # 204 The chances of seeing a snowplow cleaning your path to work is directly proportional to how late you are.

  Ward's Laws #205 Why is it I always get the seat with the intense ray of sunlight shining through the window directly in my eyes? Just like a freaking laser. I think I removed a cataract the last time I ate a Denny’s.

  Ward's Laws #206 Why doesn't the alphabet spell something? You'd think they would have made it a handy to remember phrase. But, then again, they did write a catchy little song with it.

  Ward's Laws #207 At some point you got to face it. Your not cool anymore, just creepy. You’re too old to be cool. So put away the Ray Bans, cut the mullet, and wear something from this decade.

  Ward's Laws #208 I hate being poked on Facebook. Not only is it an endless cycle, but it is completely unsatisfying.

  Ward's Laws #209 Why aren't headlights attached to your um... head?

  Ward's Laws #210 If some wild story springs up in the suburbs does that make it a suburban legend?

  Ward's Laws #211 When will I stop saying roll down the window while driving on a nice summer day? I haven't rolled down a window in 7 years.

  Ward's Laws #212 Why do salads taste better when you eat out?

  Ward's Laws #213 When you get in your car your not invisible. We can see you picking your nose. Maybe if you weren't so dramatic about being halfway up to your elbow in there?

  Ward's Laws #214 I don't believe in "No Child Left Behind." I think we should leave at least a few behind, to slow down the zombies that are chasing us that is.

  Ward's Laws #215 You know your old when the muzak in the elevator is the same stuff you currently have in your 8 Track player.

  Ward's Laws #216 Why do they use 80's music in the really rocking parts of movies? Answer, cause the music of today stinks! Just picture Ironman slugging it out to the beat of Justin Bieber. It just doesn’t work!

  Ward's Laws #217 Why aren't pinecones cone shaped?

  Ward's Laws #218 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "hmm, I wonder what her milk tastes like? Was it on a double dog dare or something?

  Ward's Laws #219 Was there a rating system for presidents on currency? I mean was George Washington number one or was he just cheap? Hamilton got the $10 and he wasn't even a president. Maybe they gave Washington the quarter to make up for this oversight.

  Ward's Laws #220 Why do I have cable? I turn on the TV and stare at the computer.

  Ward's Laws #221 What the heck is a Shoppe? Is it an attempt at ye ole English whimsy or just a cleaver cover-up for a tragic sign lettering error?

  Ward's Laws #222 I go to the Doctors office at least 30 minutes late every time. The funny thing is it actually makes me right on time for the appointment.

  Ward's Laws #223 Going to school to be an Opthamologist must be easy. You don't even have to know how to spell to get the degree. He kept asking me to read line 1 and I told him I couldn't. Then I got a little angry and asked him to read it for me. Now I have coke bottle glasses that make everything blurry?

  Ward's Laws #224 Why doesn't my life have a soundtrack? A laugh track I got, but a cool soundtrack.

  Ward's Laws #225 Crustovers is the proper term for left over pizza crusts.

  Ward's Laws #226 Did you ever notice, a doorbell is neither located on a door nor is it a bell, but a doorknocker is a knocker that is located on the door.

  Ward's Laws #227 Why is it when a couple of girls live together it smells like flowers and spice in their home but if a couple of guys live together it smells like they have a cat.

  Ward's Laws #228 How many fauxs have to be killed to make a faux leather couch? Are they becoming endangered?

  Ward's Laws #229 Why do we specify the name dental floss? Is there any other type of floss?

  Ward's Laws #230 Cheevalanch is the proper term for cheese that oozes off of a slice of pizza.

  Ward's Laws #231 In this land of Equal Rights and everything, why is it the guy still has to investigate the strange sounds in the cold dark night? She is safe, and warm in bed and I have to see what the life sucking demon sounds are..... That's fair.

  Ward's Laws #232 Your happily crunching away eating the contents in bag of beef jerky and you pull out a small square packet that says " DO NOT EAT" all over it. That's a good idea. Let's put something dangerous in a bag of food. I'm glad I wasn't eating in the dark.

  Ward's Laws #233 If you express your pets anal glands by yourself you are either a good pet owner or a cheap son of a gun!

  Ward's Laws #234 You would think a person holding the title receptionist would do a little better than ask for my insurance card and hand me a clipboard and a pen. What kind of reception is that? I want balloons or at least some confetti.

  Ward's Laws #235 I don't understand the whole Sea Salt fad. I mean, it's just unrefined sodium chloride. I prefer my salt refined rather than just evaporated. Ever smell a fish tank after a few weeks? Magnify that by Some 4.5 billion years and you might just want yours refined too.

  Ward's Laws #236 If pears grow on pear trees and apples grow on apple trees, what do coconuts grow on? Shouldn’t it be coconut trees?

  Ward's Laws #237 I wonder if driving instructors ever give crash courses?

  Ward's Laws #238 If we are so worried about terrorists contaminating our water supplies maybe we should stop putting up signs showing where our reservoirs are?

  Ward's Laws #239 If you are going to commit crimes I think it might be a good idea not to get tattoos. Something about getting an identifying mark on purpose seems like it wasn't totally thought out.

  Ward's Laws #240 Was Special J the last failure prior to the invention of Special K?

  Ward's Laws #241 Why don’t tea drinkers stir their tea with a teaspoon? It seems to me they all use tablespoons.

  Ward's Laws #242 I don't think I'll ever try gambling. Something about a craps table just doesn't seem so alluring.

  Ward's Laws #243 I once lived in an apartment complex for about six months. I moved because I thought it was too easy. I was expecting something a bit more complex?

  Ward's Laws #244 If I ever change jobs I want to be a weatherperson. Think about it. You can be wrong 9 out of 10 times and no one questions you.

  Ward's Laws #245 How do cows get so big eating just grass? Is it the salad dressing they choose?

  Ward's Laws #246 I don't like the term Dumpster Diving. I just don't see any technique involved in the activity. It's not like you would see Greg Louganis doing a jackknife into a dumpster.

  Ward's Laws #247 Why do women wear yoga pants when not doing yoga?

  Ward's Laws #248 Can a person who plays the triangle really say, they’re a part of the band?

  Ward's Laws #249 I don't understand why gas is so expensive. Give me two burritos and I'll give you some. For free!

  Ward's Laws #250 Don’t ever take your Chia Pet to the vet. They get really mad. They actually threw me out after I pointed out that the Chia Pet is as active as your average house cat.

  Ward's Laws #251 Ever notice that a necktie and a noose are very similar? Coincidence?

  Ward's Laws #252 Why don't all months have the same amount of days? Who short-changed February?

  Ward's Laws #253 Why do they make us read classic books in high school? I mean, I get the whole "Animal Farm" symbolism thing but it really sucks as a read? Why not throw the "the Lord of the Rings" in there. It withstood the test of time and is a hell of a lot more entertaining.

  Ward's Laws #254 Why do we call it the Big Bang Theory when there is no sound
in the void of space?

  Ward's Laws #255 I don't like to eat at picnic tables, cause most of the time people sit on the table part. Something about eating where peoples bums have been.

  Ward's Laws #256 Why do airplanes have seat belts? It's not like your going to stop suddenly. And if you do, does a seat belt really matter?

  Ward's Laws #257 I have proof that the Apollo moon mission was a fake! At no time did they moon walk like Michael Jackson.

  Ward's Laws #258 Is a testicle a thing you do when trying to find out if someone is ticklish?

  Ward's Laws #259 If a toll road is straight can it really be called a turnpike?

  Ward's Laws #260 If oil wells are located in Texas where do we get stairwells?

  Ward's Laws #261 If the IRS has all of our financial records why do we have to file Taxes? Shouldn't they do it?

  Ward's Laws #262 If the Mayans were so intuitive that they could make a calendar that could predict the end of the world, why couldn't they foresee their own cultures collapse and do something about it

  Ward's Laws #263 I was just in the bookstore when I saw a section called New History. I don't get it?

  Ward's Laws #264 What type of hammer do you use with