Ward's Laws Read online

Ward’s Laws

  By Doug Ward

  Copyright 2011 Doug Ward

  About Ward’s Laws

  Ward’s Laws is a silly thing I started on Facebook. When I first opened my account I did what every other forty-something year old does. I froze. I didn’t know what to write.

  I started posting the usual stuff. I talked about my day, my dog, my bathroom habits, and said LOL a lot. But that just wasn’t me. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to contribute to the good of the world (are you buying this yet?) This took the form of Ward’s Laws.

  I would just write about funny observations I've made about everyday life. Silly word plays as well as things we see and do all the time but never question.

  About the same time my friends on the site started telling me I that needed to publish these laws as a book. At first I was flattered, but their constant encouragement (and LOL's) gave me the fortitude to create the book you are about to read.

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to all of my friends who stood behind me and pushed me forward. You guys are the best. Most of all I want to thank my family. You guys listened to a lot of really bad jokes. So this one’s for you.

  What you need to know before reading Ward’s Laws

  Ward’s Laws aren’t really laws at all. At least, they are not in the legal sense. I liken them to the laws of science because they are based on my observations. I have had some of my friends suggest different titles for them, such as Ward’s Words (which I like a lot.) I just can’t seem to make the change. So throw logic out the window and prepare yourself for some Ward’s Laws silliness.

  Ward’s Laws #1 Never use your EZPass during Black Friday. I tried to use it to get to the front of the line at Walmart and somebody shoved it in where things are only supposed to go out. Let me tell you, it sure isn't an easy pass now... On the plus side, I can walk through turnpike tollbooths without paying now.

  Ward’s Laws #2 We should never eat Slim Jims. The two main ingredients in a Slim Jims are" Ingredients: beef and mechanically separated chicken". What exactly is mechanically separated chicken? I think a big ICKY is appropriate here...

  Ward’s Laws #3 Oil painting is hard. I keep looking at my canvas and wondering where all the numbers went?

  Ward's Laws #4 Never eat anything someone made from scratch. You never know what they scratched to make it. (I say this as I scratch my butt.)

  Ward’s Laws #5 You’d think church leaders would embrace cross-dressers.

  Ward's Laws #6 If your not stalking someone on Facebook your being stalked on Facebook. The site was created so you could passively watch people’s lives and comment on things that peak your interest. It’s kind of like being in a neighborhood with 457 nosey neighbors.

  Wards Laws #7 I think eggs should be sold in increments of 10. Who decided that eggs should be sold in increments of 6? Is there some type of council that decides these things? Do they do this in Europe where the metric system rules over the umm… ruler. Even pirogues are not immune. Groupings of six just seems... Awkward.

  Ward’s Laws #8 Murder is sometimes ok, right? Let's say, just hypothetical mind you. You mistakenly think your neighbor is a zombie and you… shoot him (double tap like.) Could you maybe get in trouble? Just for instance mind you. He was… might have been looking kind of weird and lurching around. Who knocks on someone’s door at 7:26 at night anyway? That’s way late to ask for sugar or something. I didn't even see the measuring cup until later. Do you think I could get in trouble?

  Ward’s Laws #9 The movie “The Da Vinci Code,” changed the art world forever. I got to start hiding stuff in my paintings. Masonic has been done. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll start hiding a guy in a stripped shirt, with glasses, and a tossle cap?

  Ward's Laws #10 It’s a good thing dogs are cute. My cute little dog creates such horrendous smells? Ugh... You can taste them.

  Ward's Laws #11 TGIF should be explained in more detail. For those of you who are a little slow it means "Toes Go In First."

  Ward's Laws #12 Archeologists should be studying more important things. Like, what ever happened to white dog crap? I remember seeing it as a kid but I haven't seen any in a really long time.

  Ward's Laws #13 These are some things to keep in mind for the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Masonic Halls and Jehovah’s Witness Temples are great places to hide. They have no windows.

  Ward's Laws #14 Baseball isn’t a very challenging sport. For those of you who don't understand, a player can strike out 3 times, but if he gets a single on the 4th try he’s batting 250. That’s very good. Reggie Jackson, a Hall of Famer struck out 2597 times. That’s a lot of outs!

  Ward's Laws #15 Manufacturers should include more information on product labels like; what did they have to milk to formulate Milk of Magnesia?

  Wards Laws #16 Never worry about what to order at a Mexican restaurant. It’s ALL the same food. Beans, guacamole, rice, tortilla, and your choice of either chicken or beef. If someone says, “I don’t like tacos” they’re really saying, “I don’t like Mexican food.”

  Ward's Laws #17 Why do we listen to the local weather forecasts? I mean, when Nostradamus can predict future weather events more accurately than the local guy… Maybe the news should give the forecasts in the form of quatrains?

  Ward's Laws #18 I ‘ll bet Ninjas wear sneakers!

  Ward's Laws #19 I hate moving sales. I can never keep up with them. They keep moving around.

  Ward's Laws #20 I've been cooking a ham all day and it still isn't ready. Maybe I should try a bigger bulb? Easy-Bake oven my butt!

  Ward's Laws #21 If it isn't Baroque, don't fix it.

  Ward's Law #22 If your lunch has 10 times more bran than anyone else at the table... Your old!

  Ward's Law #23 If you wear an ID badge at work, not really to identify yourself but just in case you get lost... Your old!

  Ward's Laws #24 I think it's sad that when I was a kid the Etch-a-sketch was technology!

  Ward's Laws #25 Why don’t scientists spend time investigating some of the true mysteries of life. Like if steel mills make steel and grain mills make grain... What do treadmills make?

  Ward's Laws #26 How come all the other guys my age look so old? What the heck did they do to themselves?

  Ward's Laws #27 What the heck is so silly about silly string? It just causes a huge mess. Maybe I'm just showing my old man side. Stay outta my yard!

  Ward's Laws #28 Why don’t scientists spend time investigating some of these mysteries of life. Like what is cured ham actually cured of?

  Ward's Laws #29 I was pretty sure the swine flu was a cover for a zombie outbreak. Maybe I was wrong... Maybe....

  Ward's Laws #30 Super Heroes are not real! I was in the hospital for tests and they injected me with irradiated particles. Later that night, I tried to climb a wall like Spider-Man. Now I'm in the hospital with a broken arm. I should have tried to climb up rather than down. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!!

  Ward's Laws #31 I know people think their dogs or cats are so smart but when they curl in a ball and sleep with their nose literally touching her butt. I somehow feel less threatened as their intellect.

  Ward's Laws #32 If I was walking down street with 499 people, I would be the odds on favorite to step in the chewing gum. Everyone else would avoid it as deftly as ninja warriors without giving it the slightest thought. I could be looking right at it and... yuck.

  Ward's Law #33 I refuse to eat anything called sticky buns. I just can't get past the mental image.

  Ward's Laws # 34 Why can't I see my butt in a rear view mirror?

  Ward's Laws #35 Scientists need to figure out more of life's mysteries. Like, if strawberry jam is st
rawberry flavored what flavor is toe jam?

  Ward's Laws #36 Why do Disney stars typically wind up in rehab?

  Ward's Laws #37 Why does my 5 O'clock shadow starts at 1:30?

  Ward's Laws #38 If the water in your well gets contaminated, shouldn’t you call it a not so well?

  Ward's Laws #39 I think I found a snag in the whole Zombie Apocalypse survival thing. Mosquitoes...

  Ward's Laws #40 I think I am being stalked by celery. Just saying.

  Ward's Laws #41 Kool aid really doesn't make you cool at all. It lends virtually no aid at what so ever. At least I was cool as a kid. I‘m sure of that cause my mom told me I was. She also said I was handsome.

  Ward's Laws #42 Never hang a picture on a hang nail. At