Ward's Laws Read online

they snooze while watching the Detroit Lions? I think not. And where'd they go shopping for Black Friday? Stupid Pilgrims didn't celebrate crap!!!

  Ward's Laws#486 At what point do we eat so much Thanksgiving food that our bodies go into Mitosis?

  Ward's Laws #487 I love when a guy goes to a bar and asks for a draft. I tell them to go sit by the door. Seriously, do you really want to drink out of a glass that hundreds of other people drank outta first? Ok, they do wash them in those tiny sinks with a rag that's how old?

  Ward's Laws #488 Do cars really need backup cameras? At what point did we get so lazy that we just won't use the side and rearview mirrors that come already supplied with all vehicles?

  Ward's Laws #489 Why is it, when you add batteries to something, do they always face two different directions? You'd think it'd be easier...

  Ward's Laws #490 An inexpensive way to heat your house during the cold winter months is to eat a healthy diet of cabbage and beans. It won't fetch you many visitors but... you'll create your own heat!

  Ward's Laws #491 I love how the FDA has regulations regarding safe levels of arsenic in drinking water. SAFE??? Do they realize the effects of arsenic are cumulative? I wonder what safe levels of FDA exposure are?

  Ward's Laws #492 Why don’t dogs armpits smell. I don’t think it’s a bad thing mind you. Could you imagine trying to rub tiny deodorant applicators under their arms? Legs? Everyday? I guess that would be better than wiping their butts…

  Ward's Laws #493 I am so glad that politicians protected us from pesky unsolicited phone calls from telemarketers. Now if they would only protect us from pesky unsolicited phone calls from politicians... that'd be great!!!

  Ward's Laws #494 Weather people should give up on Doppler Radar. It just doesn't seem to work so well for predicting future weather forecasts. I think they should go really high tech. Magic 8 Ball. I used one of those babies and I was right 50% more than the prognosticators were. OK, I was only right 50% of the time but at least I was occasionally! The Magic 8 Ball never lies!!!

  Ward's Laws #495 People think I’m heartless. To dispel this myth you should know that after eating a gingerbread man's leg I give him a candy cane. That should count for something...

  Ward's Laws #496 My new hammer came with a label warning the user to wear safety glasses when using the tool. I notice they skipped right over the DON'T BANG YOUR FINGER WITH IT label. Anybody have the phone number for Edger Snyder?

  Ward's Laws #497 I wanted to be a physicist but found it was too hard. So now I’m a theoretical cartoon physicist. My current hypothesis involves how Tweety Bird could possibly lift the hammer, with which he uses to strike Sylvester in the toe. Just think of the benefits to humanity if I can crack this scientific problem. The practical applications are endless.

  Ward's Laws #498 Never trust retailers. I bought a pair of under ware and what do ya know. There was only one in the package. Then they wouldn't let me return them. I told them I only wore one of the "Pair."

  Ward's Laws #499 Home Depot my foot!!! Just you try to set up residence there and you'll find out it isn't real homey. Jerks! I just arranged my new living room and they kicked me out!!! The joke is on them though. The toilets there don’t flush right anyways. Seems they have no water as well as no privacy. You should have seen the customers stare.

  Ward’s Laws #500 Advertising a mattress as being superior because Astronauts use it isn’t a really good endorsement. They eat powdered ice cream, does that make it better? They also recycle their pee as drinking water… you get my point!

  Bonus section

  The following is a narrative I posted about the defunct NASA satellite that fell to Earth at the end of September 2011. The countries eyes were all looking up. All eyes, that is, except for mine. The posts below are in order leading up to the crash. I hope you enjoy them.

  Satellite Watch: 5:49 9/21/2011 Looked off my porch and saw nothing. Thinking of pulling a tarp over my home to protect it from the 6 ton device hurtling towards our planet...

  Satellite Watch: 6:46 9/21/2011. Almost hit by bird poop. No satellite yet.

  Satellite watch 7:37 9/21/2011 I removed the tarp after my wife reasoned with me that a tarp wont protect us from a 6 ton object falling at a rate of 32 ft. per second squared. Now I'm trying to fashion a giant slip-n-slide so the satellite will glide on past and into my neighbor’s pool. Sorry Ronnie!

  Satellite Watch 5:30 9/22/2011 The giant tarp slip-n-slid partially collapsed due to the weight of several dozen neighborhood kids thinking it was for them. Now it looks like a huge beetle bag with all those kids struggling inside.

  Satellite Watch 5:55 9/22/2011 Now, NASA is saying that the satellite is going to miss America completely. Stupid Eggheads!!! I already had half of it listed on eBay!!! Back to the drawing board...

  Satellite Watch 6:00 9/22/2011 If I can't be where the satellite falls maybe I can bring it to me!!! I covered my home with refrigerator magnets and am planning on changing it's decent angle so I can pillage it for eBay. I have so many magnets out there that they’re creating their own Aurora Borealis... I can feel the money pouring into PayPal already Bwahahahahaha

  Satellite Watch 7:47 9/22/2011 Now that I have returned all of the neighborhood's patio furniture, I am dismantling the magnet array.

  Satellite Watch 7:50 9/22/2011 Why does my wife put up with my crazy schemes... I think it is her fault our house is now magnetized!!! It is kind of funny watching the kids on bikes struggle against the pull of my homes new gravitational field.

  Satellite Watch 9:06 9/22/2011 My porch light doesn't seem to be shining out into the yard as far as it used to. Maybe this is just some odd observance. Nothing to worry about, I hope...

  Satellite Watch 5:17 9/23/2011 Why are all of my neighbors cars parked tightly against my house?

  Satellite Watch 5:37 9/23/2011 It seems like time is going slower in my home as compared to the outside world. This can only mean one thing... I'm on candid camera!!! Where's Allen Funt?

  Satellite Watch 5:57 9/23/2011 I searched my house and found no Allen Funt. Pocketed 17 cents from the couch (cha-ching) but I’m forced to realize my magnetized abode has begun the process of becoming a black hole... (que the Rush music) Now I only have one choice... EAT ALL THE JUNK FOOD I AVOID ON DOCTORS ORDERS!!! Ben & Jerry's... Here I come!

  Satellite Watch 6:39 9/23/2011 It's really fun watching people and objects stretch into the event horizon, which is my home. Scientists ask what’s at the center of a black hole. Me

  Satellite Watch 7:15 9/24/2011 Final entry. I am watching as space-time rips apart. The dimensions blur together. I can now see God. And he is a… Stink Bug. Figures!!!

  ###

  Connect with Me Online:

  Facebook: https://facebook.com/profile.php?id=1823167451