Ward's Laws Page 7

Anybody see something weird about that? The waitress did give me the stink eye after I ordered the meal.

  Ward's Laws #327 Why don't Crepe's come wrapped in crepe paper?

  Ward's Laws #328 Do you think the Three Musketeers (the guys, not the candy bar) had a thing for buckles. They’re covered with them. On their hats, chests, shoes, and belts. They had more buckles than muskets. Maybe they should have been called the Buckleteers.

  Ward's Laws #329 I am so glad we are cutting the already small NASA budget instead of cutting the annual "cowboy poetry festival”. I mean, really. What good comes out of NASA anyways? OK maybe ear thermometers, wireless power, smoke detectors and water purification, but this stuff pales in comparison to cowboy poetry.

  Ward's Laws #330 What kind of crust does a cow pie have? I don’t know if it is flaky but I'll bet it is udderly delicious!

  Ward's Laws #331 Facebook should require people to use actual pictures of them selves as their profile pic instead of some random picture. If you’ve turned into a real freak, so be it. I say. "Let the sideshow begin"!

  Ward's Laws #332 Youtube really needs to ditch the ads before the video thing. It’s way annoying.

  Ward's Laws #333 Why do people start a conversation by saying "No offense but," then they callously offend you. If they really didn't want to offend you, don't you think they wouldn't say anything?

  Ward's Laws #334 What are they teaching in history class these days? I mean the other day I was talking to a group of kids who had no idea what an 8-Track was. I am embarrassed for our educational system.

  Ward's Laws #335 I don't eat Jello. Anything that starts out with a mold just sounds icky to me.

  Ward's Laws #336 Who decided spaghetti should be in it's long thin shape? I think the pasta should be in the form of scoops. The world would ruin less shirts that way.

  Ward's Laws #337 Why do people preface sentences occasionally with "to be honest?" Are they trying to say they were lying before?

  Ward's Laws #338 If your feeling bad about yourself just take a stroll through your local neighborhood Walmart. It would be best sometime around midnight. That's when the true freak show begins!!!

  Ward's Laws #339 Is naming your antacid product Rolaids trying to say this medicine will help with my big fat roll? Calling me fat is no way for me to select your product. I prefer Tums. It just sounds... nicer!

  Ward's Laws #340 I hate it when people challenge you to add something as your status. "Add this as your status" then they say if you are brave enough or believe in something. Wake up folks. It's just a couple of words on the Internet that no one is going to read. If you want something less brave throw it up on Twitter so your 54 followers wont read it either.

  Ward's Laws #341 Girls, stop taking pictures of yourself while holding your camera over your head. The weird angle isn't fooling anyone. It just screams "I’m fat."

  Ward's Laws #342 I was going to make a sand sculpture but I couldn’t find an itsy bitsy chisel and hammer.

  Ward's Laws #343 People are basically silly. They read books about history or poetry, but when the Zombie Apocalypse happens those things won't mean crap.

  Ward's Laws #344 I think somebody made a mistake when they chose which gender would ride which bicycle. That high horizontal metal bar is way to close to something I like to keep metal bars away from. What were they thinking!

  Ward's Laws #345 Why do flies love to land on flyswatters? Are they suicidal or is it to just messing with our heads?

  Ward's Laws #346 If a Geiger counter measures ionizing radiation by counting the particulates, what does a kitchen counter count?

  Ward's Laws #347 I went to a Health Fair the other day and you know what? There weren't any rides, let alone any funnel cakes. Then they told me to lose weight. I’ll never go to a fair again!

  Ward's Laws #348 Why did they skip over vitamin F and go straight to vitamin K?

  Ward's Laws #349 What came first, the word dam that is a barrier that impounds water or the curse word. I am saying the barrier because when they saw the completed project the probably said damn that is impressive!!!

  Ward's Laws #350 While watching the Road Warrior movie I noticed most of them are wearing football shoulder pads. Where the heck did they get those shoulder pads in post-apocalyptic Australia?

  Ward's Laws #351 Why do things made for TV (As seen on TV) only work on TV?

  Ward's Laws #352 What makes cows so holy? Or are they saying hole-e? I didn't think aliens where mutilating cows anymore?

  Ward's Laws #353 Who invented the mortarboard? You know, that silly square hate graduates wear. Those corners could be hazardous. I can see it now. "I just graduated and I am blind in one eye cause somebody had to bend over... Now I'm going to have to go to job interviews looking like a pirate."

  Ward's Laws # 354 If parents want their kids to eat their vegetables they should cut them into the shape of crayons. I've seen a lot of kids eat those little puppies. You'd think Crayola would change the shape, not make them scented.

  Ward's Laws #355 Who came up with the term Bell Bottoms. Like I need to be reminded that my bottom is shaped like a bell. It can even impersonate the Liberty Bell. All I need to do is show some crack.

  Ward's Laws #356 My train of thought must be a z scale. If you are laughing at that you are a true nerd!

  Ward's Laws #357 I just saw a newer (2010) Ozzie music video and I could make out EVERY word he said! Were they using a stunt voice or something? I mean I have heard him interviewed and... Is it a Mel Tillis thing or what?

  Ward's Laws #358 I just found out that Swiss cheese isn't made in Switzerland. It isn't even made by Swiss people all the time. What next? Am I going to find out that American cheese is made in Japan?

  Ward's Laws #359 Why is it Government leaders always want people to make sacrifices, everyone but themselves, that is.

  Ward's Laws #360 Isn't the term “flavored coffee” redundant? I mean, it's already coffee flavored.

  Ward's Laws #361 A guy asked me to give him change for a $20. I gave him a quarter, two dimes and a penny. He asked for it! Right?

  Ward's Laws #362 CPR Training and Zombie Survival Training do not work together. You have to embrace just one. If you see some guy who’s face is gray and he’s on the ground you either blow in their mouth or Double Tap them. One or the other!!!

  Ward's Laws #363 My Doctor told me surfing wasn't exercise. I think I am going get a second opinion. I mean I just worked myself all the way up to 200 channels!

  Ward's Laws #364 I water my garden with a garden hose. So, what should I water with pantyhose?

  Ward's Laws #365 Why would you call it a Player Piano if it has no player?

  Ward's Laws #366 When did a half-gallon of ice-cream become a quart and a half?

  Ward's Laws #367 When I was in a ritzy department store the other day I noticed in the perfume section they had toilet water. Now I've heard some peoples $#/% doesn't stink, but to put a dab behind your ear and think you smell good? I don't think so...

  Ward's Laws #368 I went to the fair yesterday and tried to knock over the milk bottles. I later was told that they are rigged so they can't be knocked over. Doesn't seem to fair to me!

  Ward's Laws #369 Shouldn't Astroturf be more like the surface of the moon?

  Ward's Laws #370 I hope American Standard never buys the sponsorship of a football stadium. It would really stink watching the Steelers win the Toilet Bowl!!!

  Ward's Laws #371 I think Procter & Gamble should make a new product called "Head and Shoulders + Back." For the man whose body is more like a pelt!

  Ward's Laws #372 Who put the tuna in my Chicken of the Sea? Talk about misrepresenting your product.

  Ward's Laws #373 What the heck is a Kung Fu Grip and why would GI Joe need one? I can see a Kung Fu Chop, but grip?

  Ward's Laws #374 I was going to donate blood but walked out instead. They asked me if I would consider donating plasma inste
ad of blood. That really irked me. I went to save a human life, not a TV. Talk about having your priorities mixed-up.

  Ward's Laws #375 Why are black lights blue?

  Ward's Laws #376 I just saw a coupon that said, "Exclusive offer. All you have to do is send in this coupon and..." Exclusive to who, the entire human population? Everybody in my neighborhood got one.

  Ward's Laws #377 You'd think planetariums would be bigger... With all those planets and stuff inside of them.

  Ward's Laws #378 I think that all science should be abandoned immediately!!! At least half of the great scientists become super-villians so why should we take the chance.

  Ward's Laws #379 Why did we name our planet dirt?

  Ward's Laws #380 Developer teams at Apple Computers should abandon all attempts of modifying the MacBook Air into a MacBook Water. Shocking as it may be...

  Ward's Laws #381 Ok. I bought a house with an underground fence installed. Now if I can only find an underground dog...

  Ward's Laws #382 Why doesn't Mr. Potato head have a body? His arms come right outta his tuberous body.

  Ward's Laws #383 You'd think that if men were predisposed to be bald they